That was the clothes I was wearing on October 21, 2019. That was the clothes I was wearing when I was publicly groped by an unknown black man in the middle of a Target store with people around us. My sweater and coat was long, it goes past my behind but this wasn’t something that this disgusting man would stop from mosting me. He actually reached down under my coat just to get a feel. Now, can people really say “you’re probably wearing skin tight clothes or you’re showing too much skin and legs and cleavage that’s why you are being mosted like that? I guess not right? It’s not about the clothes. It’s not about myself. It’s about those evil disgusting piece of sh*ts that should be run over by a bus and have their hands amputated so they won’t be able to sexually molest anyone anymore.
I cried. The whole day, I cried. I was depressed for 2 whole days. I didn’t feel like eating but I tried because my boyfriend was being pushy as he’s very worried about me so I ate a slice or two of bread. I couldn’t sleep, I feel like I was drowning in a thick mud that I had no energy of getting out but my boyfriend kept pulling me out of it, trying to cheer me up and talking to me. It’s been 3 days and I am still not myself. Why? Some of you might initially think that it’s JUST a minor groping. It shouldn’t take long before you recover from that. But, I’m sorry. That’s not the case with me. Let me tell you why.
I have been sexually harassed and molested countless times in my life. It started when I was just a baby. I actually have a cigarette burn in my private part which was done to me by someone I prefer not to say. When I grew up, boys in my class would constantly try to touch my chest then laughing at me because I don’t have big breasts like my other female classmates. Then at one point in my adult life, I was sexually molested by someone very close to me but since I have no proof, I couldn’t tell anyone as nobody would believe me anyway so I chose to keep quiet and make sure if it happens again, I will definitely talk. Then in my online game, Ran Online, I have been constantly sexually harassed by the ex-friends I had and his new friends, calling me flat chested and even asking me publicly if I had sex with my then-current boyfriend and how many guys have I slept with. Now, I had this happen to me again in a public supermarket.
This is one of the biggest reason why I became depressed. Why I became distant with men. Why I never had guy friends in my real life circle. All my guy friends are online, where they cannot hurt me physically if it comes to that. Imagine almost getting raped by someone you thought would treasure you and never hurt you, that pushed me to the edge. It almost cost me my life. But I was scared to die. I didn’t want to die. I just want it all to be over. But I was scared to end it so I stayed alive. I want to give chance to my miserable pathetic life if it could still move on and endure all these harassments in the future.
I was crying endlessly the other night to my boyfriend and I was saying why? Why does it keep happening to me? All my life, I have taken care of my body. I have not let anyone touch it inappropriately. I became 25 years old and was still a virgin. I never let any guy even my boyfriends touch my breast, my butt, my vagina. I have taken care of this body and I would put up a fight if it was touched without my consent. I told my boyfriend, why is it that no matter how much I take care of this body, why is it still being harassed like this? Why is it still being groped and molested by people I don’t know and people I hold dear. Why is it that no matter how I protect this body, it is a target for disgusting people. Why can’t I just get hurt like fall down the stairs, get run over by a car, break a bone, get a deep accidental cut in my skin, why can’t this body just get hurt naturally? Why does it have to be sexually molested? I don’t understand why. In this cases, I can’t help but question Him. Why is He letting this happen to me? He knew very well that I promised Him that the only person who I will give consent to touch this is the man I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. But WHY is he letting this body experience that kind of stuff? He tells us that our body is our temple and we should take care of it but WHY is HE not taking care of it? I have not went out of the house with a very revealing clothes like showing my thighs, legs and cleavage. I always made sure I hid my chest and thighs. I always wore baggy T-shirts and pants. I never wore a swimsuit my whole life as I would wear shorts and a shirt to go swimming. I never took a photo with my cleavage showing or my legs showing and posted it online for people to see all around the world.
So WHY am I still being a target for this?
I thought I was already okay. After 3 days, I was already laughing and making jokes with my boyfriend but I am not okay. I am still questioning Him and I am still scared. I am still not emotionally stable. I just don’t understand why. I never wanted this blog to be a negative place to post about my life but I have no other way to let out what I feel. Don’t worry. I’m past the stage of hurting myself as I don’t want the love of my life hurting. I’m alright with getting hurt, but I don’t want to pass that to my boyfriend. I’m just trying hard to move on and forget about it but recalling all those times that I was harassed growing up, I just can’t help but stay stuck.